Finding Strength

         This last month and a half I have been making so many changes and guess what? I am so happy! March 2, 2014 I had the opportunity to go the the Gilbert Arizona Temple Dedication broadcast. Since then I have been filled with so much strength, and my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has grown and become so much stronger.
       After the birth of my second son in early November I have been struggling with Postpartum depression. I usually have a bout of depression around January and February anyway due to weather changes, but add fluctuating hormones, a stubborn three-year old and a fussy infant to the mix and I was really having a hard time--which is an understatement at best.  So on a whim, I decided to go the dedication and experience something that I never had the opportunity to go to before. I feared that if I did not go, I would regret it tremendously and would not have this opportunity again.  
      The night before the dedication I was incredibly stressed out. I could not find a white handkerchief any where. I was told I needed one, but being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for only four years I had no idea why.  So I made one. It looked homemade and I felt awful about my humble, lopsided handkerchief, but without any other options I stuffed it in my purse and went to sleep.
      The next morning I awoke early, put on some hymns and got dressed. I prayed and prayed to receive an answer to my prayers without really knowing what it was that I was praying for.  I told Father that I needed something, anything, but I did not know what. I told Him that I trusted Him to give me the answers that I needed to get out of this rut and find happiness again. I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to be a good wife, I wanted to be a good daughter to my Heavenly Father, and I wanted love to be the language of my home. I did everything that was asked of me to ensure that I would be able to feel the Holy Spirit when He spoke to me.
      And speak to me He did. Through music, I recieved confirmation that I am in fact a good mother. I have my faults but my children will remember me as a good, supportive mom, and that they do love me. I recieved confirmation that Father does answer prayers, and that I, one person out of a world of 7 billion actually matter to Him. The most important thing which was revealed to me was during the "Hosanna Shout".
     I quickly learned what I needed my white handkerchief for. I needed it to shout "Hosanna"! As we performed the shout, I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. Hundreds of people in my local chapel gathered together to honor Father and His Son in the dedication of this beautiful temple that had been built. In my mind's eye I could see all the Saints throughout the state of Arizona waving their handkerchiefs shouting "Hosanna" in various chapels. Such a strong sense of community filled my heart. As I sat down, my body was shaking, and my hands sweating. My body was reacting to this shout in a way that I had not expected. Something incredible had just happened to me. Only twice before had I had this reaction. The first time was when I first stepped into the waters of baptism at 19 years old, and saw my handsome fiance waiting for me. The second time was after praying in the temple for the sick and afflicted the day I was sealed to my husband and unborn son. From those previous experiences I knew something great was going to be revealed to me. I was confused and began praying to Father to know what it was that I needed to know, and why I was feeling this way.
       I left the chapel and began my 15 minute drive home in silence. As I drove, I prayed, when suddenly, I knew! This feeling of a memory washed over me. I, Amber, had shouted "Hosanna!" before. One night, as a star shown bright in the sky, and a small baby boy lay in a manager, I shouted "Hosanna!" with the host of Heaven. The day Jesus Christ was born I rejoiced with my spiritual family! The tears were flowing and my body shaking as I sobbed. I went home and told my husband what had happened. He and I cried together.
      I now know why I experienced this. Father had answered my prayers. I am His daughter. I lived with Him before I came to this earth. I rejoiced when my Savior was born. I am part of a Heavenly family! I have value and worth beyond measurement and God knows me, He loves me, and wants me to return to Him. I often feel insignificant, but I know that it is The Adversary trying to ruin my happiness. I know that if I matter, everyone else who has lived, now lives, and will live matters too. I say this in the name of my Savior, my Redeemer, even my brother, Jesus Christ, Amen.