This last month and a half I have been making so many changes and guess what? I am so happy! March 2, 2014 I had the opportunity to go the the Gilbert Arizona Temple Dedication broadcast. Since then I have been filled with so much strength, and my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has grown and become so much stronger.
After the birth of my second son in early November I have been struggling with Postpartum depression. I usually have a bout of depression around January and February anyway due to weather changes, but add fluctuating hormones, a stubborn three-year old and a fussy infant to the mix and I was really having a hard time--which is an understatement at best. So on a whim, I decided to go the dedication and experience something that I never had the opportunity to go to before. I feared that if I did not go, I would regret it tremendously and would not have this opportunity again.
The night before the dedication I was incredibly stressed out. I could not find a white handkerchief any where. I was told I needed one, but being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for only four years I had no idea why. So I made one. It looked homemade and I felt awful about my humble, lopsided handkerchief, but without any other options I stuffed it in my purse and went to sleep.
The next morning I awoke early, put on some hymns and got dressed. I prayed and prayed to receive an answer to my prayers without really knowing what it was that I was praying for. I told Father that I needed something, anything, but I did not know what. I told Him that I trusted Him to give me the answers that I needed to get out of this rut and find happiness again. I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to be a good wife, I wanted to be a good daughter to my Heavenly Father, and I wanted love to be the language of my home. I did everything that was asked of me to ensure that I would be able to feel the Holy Spirit when He spoke to me.
And speak to me He did. Through music, I recieved confirmation that I am in fact a good mother. I have my faults but my children will remember me as a good, supportive mom, and that they do love me. I recieved confirmation that Father does answer prayers, and that I, one person out of a world of 7 billion actually matter to Him. The most important thing which was revealed to me was during the "Hosanna Shout".
I quickly learned what I needed my white handkerchief for. I needed it to shout "Hosanna"! As we performed the shout, I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. Hundreds of people in my local chapel gathered together to honor Father and His Son in the dedication of this beautiful temple that had been built. In my mind's eye I could see all the Saints throughout the state of Arizona waving their handkerchiefs shouting "Hosanna" in various chapels. Such a strong sense of community filled my heart. As I sat down, my body was shaking, and my hands sweating. My body was reacting to this shout in a way that I had not expected. Something incredible had just happened to me. Only twice before had I had this reaction. The first time was when I first stepped into the waters of baptism at 19 years old, and saw my handsome fiance waiting for me. The second time was after praying in the temple for the sick and afflicted the day I was sealed to my husband and unborn son. From those previous experiences I knew something great was going to be revealed to me. I was confused and began praying to Father to know what it was that I needed to know, and why I was feeling this way.
I left the chapel and began my 15 minute drive home in silence. As I drove, I prayed, when suddenly, I knew! This feeling of a memory washed over me. I, Amber, had shouted "Hosanna!" before. One night, as a star shown bright in the sky, and a small baby boy lay in a manager, I shouted "Hosanna!" with the host of Heaven. The day Jesus Christ was born I rejoiced with my spiritual family! The tears were flowing and my body shaking as I sobbed. I went home and told my husband what had happened. He and I cried together.
I now know why I experienced this. Father had answered my prayers. I am His daughter. I lived with Him before I came to this earth. I rejoiced when my Savior was born. I am part of a Heavenly family! I have value and worth beyond measurement and God knows me, He loves me, and wants me to return to Him. I often feel insignificant, but I know that it is The Adversary trying to ruin my happiness. I know that if I matter, everyone else who has lived, now lives, and will live matters too. I say this in the name of my Savior, my Redeemer, even my brother, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
A Still, Small Voice
Sunday. A day of rest, a day to ponder on the beauty of life. A day to feel the Holy Spirit so strongly, nothing else seems to matter. A day to look forward to. Unless you're name is Zeke.
It was another hard Sunday for our Clan. Isaac had a hard time with the baby, and I had a hard time with the big boy. Sacrament went well. He sat in the pew, whispered (mostly) when he needed something, took The Sacrament well, and followed directions.
Then it was time for second hour. Sunday School. Little by little he was harder to keep calm. He "needed" the scissors. In reality, he didn't want anyone else touching them. He was upset that he didn't get to say the prayer first, he wanted to color on everyone else's paper. Pretty much, everything that did not go his way was a minor apocalypse and all hell broke loose. Then, it really did.
Third hour, during Sharing Time, he was bratty to say the least. He did not want to sit in his chair, he was CONSTANTLY crying about something, and frankly, he was just being mean to the other kids. After trying desperately to bribe him with fruit gummies (which didn't work) I marched him out of that room, found and empty classroom and was about to unleash my fury when he looked at me.
Those big, beautiful brown eyes were so sad. Tears were coming down his perfect face. His pretty mouth was turned into a frown, and suddenly, I wasn't angry. Suddenly I saw before me a sweet child of God, struggling to make sense of a world that was changing so quickly. "Why are you upset?" I asked him. In a small, quiet voice he replied "I don't know." That was it. The game changer and suddenly I had tears running down my face as well. Suddenly I saw myself, a young child, confused by what I was feeling and not knowing how to to express those feelings. Here was a child that I grew inside me. That I fed, and wiped, and rocked and loved and cared for for three years. No longer a baby, my son, was having a bad day, and I was angry with him for it. He had some changes to adjust to. He has a new baby, he no longer has Momma and Daddy all to himself. He misses nursery. He is growing and learning and sometimes, it's hard and confusing.
Our homes are likened unto the temple. Never have I gone into the temple and seen or felt anything other than love from those sweet workers. Every time I go, I get confused. I learn a little more each time, but it's still taking practice. I still need help. My home, Zeke's temple, is not nearly has beautiful or clean. But it should be every bit inviting. I should be like a temple worker who speaks softly and kindly and gently guides him through this process. Thankfully, today, I was able to recognize the Spirit.
In that empty classroom, I held my son. I cried with him. I helped him breathe through his frustration. I'm not trying to "toot my own horn" either. I learned something today and felt a need to share it. Not because I got this parenting thing down. Just the opposite, I still have no clue what I'm doing. It's getting easier everyday, but I still need practice. It took the small whisper from a beautiful child to open my eyes. "I don't know." Well, neither do I. I don't know if this will get easier, but just like going to the temple, it's worth it. Its worth every minute I spend with my children, whether they are happy and laughing, or upset and crying, my children are worth it. They're whispers are worth it. There is no other calling that will be more important than raising God's Children " ... the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." Heavenly Father is with me, rooting for me, and helping me. Elder Holland said, “May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you.” This is slightly daunting, but knowing that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough to be responsible for not just one, but two of his precious spirits is encouraging. I am worth it. I am special. Just as my boys are, I am a child of God. I hope next time, in a moment of need, I can listen the whisper from a still, small voice.
It was another hard Sunday for our Clan. Isaac had a hard time with the baby, and I had a hard time with the big boy. Sacrament went well. He sat in the pew, whispered (mostly) when he needed something, took The Sacrament well, and followed directions.
Then it was time for second hour. Sunday School. Little by little he was harder to keep calm. He "needed" the scissors. In reality, he didn't want anyone else touching them. He was upset that he didn't get to say the prayer first, he wanted to color on everyone else's paper. Pretty much, everything that did not go his way was a minor apocalypse and all hell broke loose. Then, it really did.
Third hour, during Sharing Time, he was bratty to say the least. He did not want to sit in his chair, he was CONSTANTLY crying about something, and frankly, he was just being mean to the other kids. After trying desperately to bribe him with fruit gummies (which didn't work) I marched him out of that room, found and empty classroom and was about to unleash my fury when he looked at me.
Those big, beautiful brown eyes were so sad. Tears were coming down his perfect face. His pretty mouth was turned into a frown, and suddenly, I wasn't angry. Suddenly I saw before me a sweet child of God, struggling to make sense of a world that was changing so quickly. "Why are you upset?" I asked him. In a small, quiet voice he replied "I don't know." That was it. The game changer and suddenly I had tears running down my face as well. Suddenly I saw myself, a young child, confused by what I was feeling and not knowing how to to express those feelings. Here was a child that I grew inside me. That I fed, and wiped, and rocked and loved and cared for for three years. No longer a baby, my son, was having a bad day, and I was angry with him for it. He had some changes to adjust to. He has a new baby, he no longer has Momma and Daddy all to himself. He misses nursery. He is growing and learning and sometimes, it's hard and confusing.
Our homes are likened unto the temple. Never have I gone into the temple and seen or felt anything other than love from those sweet workers. Every time I go, I get confused. I learn a little more each time, but it's still taking practice. I still need help. My home, Zeke's temple, is not nearly has beautiful or clean. But it should be every bit inviting. I should be like a temple worker who speaks softly and kindly and gently guides him through this process. Thankfully, today, I was able to recognize the Spirit.
In that empty classroom, I held my son. I cried with him. I helped him breathe through his frustration. I'm not trying to "toot my own horn" either. I learned something today and felt a need to share it. Not because I got this parenting thing down. Just the opposite, I still have no clue what I'm doing. It's getting easier everyday, but I still need practice. It took the small whisper from a beautiful child to open my eyes. "I don't know." Well, neither do I. I don't know if this will get easier, but just like going to the temple, it's worth it. Its worth every minute I spend with my children, whether they are happy and laughing, or upset and crying, my children are worth it. They're whispers are worth it. There is no other calling that will be more important than raising God's Children " ... the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." Heavenly Father is with me, rooting for me, and helping me. Elder Holland said, “May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you.” This is slightly daunting, but knowing that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough to be responsible for not just one, but two of his precious spirits is encouraging. I am worth it. I am special. Just as my boys are, I am a child of God. I hope next time, in a moment of need, I can listen the whisper from a still, small voice.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Good Choice/Bad Choice Jars and Schedules
I got the idea for the jars from two places. One, a friend of mine started doing it with her daughter, and two, Primary. When Zeke fills up his Good Choice Jar, he gets a special treat-- a toy, a trip to the movies, a cupcake etc. For going poo in the toilet he gets 3 rocks to place in the happy face jar. He gets a happy rock for following directions, eating his food, picking up his toys, helping with Brother, etc. Every bad choice-- saying no, not following directions, refusing to pick up his toys, its a rock in the bad choice jar. He HATES putting rocks in the Sad Face Jar. It practically kills him. He is excited to get walkies-talkies when he fills up his jar with Happy Rocks. I literally grabbed a bunch of rocks from outside and stuck them in these jars.
For my chores, I copied and modified a list I found on Pintrest. I made it pretty, and fit my lifestyle. Hopefully I can stay on track with my housework. I get absurdly happy whenever I complete the list. It's weird really. Zeke's Schedule I made using clip art images or Google images. I put it in sheet protectors and stuck it on the fridge. He loves it. I plan on finding a clock and painting the hands red and blue to help learn to tell time.
For my chores, I copied and modified a list I found on Pintrest. I made it pretty, and fit my lifestyle. Hopefully I can stay on track with my housework. I get absurdly happy whenever I complete the list. It's weird really. Zeke's Schedule I made using clip art images or Google images. I put it in sheet protectors and stuck it on the fridge. He loves it. I plan on finding a clock and painting the hands red and blue to help learn to tell time.
The Beginning
I'm definitely a type A personality. I stress over everything, I love making lists (I just made a few more), and I took a personality quiz in one of my Intro to Psych classes so now I know for sure. Despite my inability to relax, I was simply obsessive, not compulsive. My life was chaos. I weighed the most I ever have in my life, my house is a constant mess, my kids have no structure.
I was recently moved from teaching CTR4/CTR5 to teaching Sunbeams; sweet little 3 year olds, just coming into primary with the big kids. How fun! Expect my oldest boy, Zeke, he is a Sunbeam this year too. It's hard to believe that time has gone by so quickly!! My sweet little baby is now begging to go to preschool and ride a school bus. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, as I sat in the front row with my own son and two other young children, I had an eye opening experience.
Ezekiel, my pride and joy was an absolute terror! He rolled around all over the floor crying because I wouldn't let him eat crackers, get a drink of water, or because we weren't singing to song he wanted. He was running around the primary room while I struggled to regain control of the situation. I didn't. We came home and he was forced to take a nap for making bad choices.
As I sat in my recliner, trying to calm my nerves after all was said and done, I realized Zeke and I needed more structure. He has gotten away with too much for too long. While I was pregnant with Zach, I was huge, in school full-time, diabetic, and exhausted. I was too tired to properly discpline my toddler. And now it was coming back to get me.
So I did what I do best. I made lists. I made Zeke a picture schedule, showing him what he is allowed to do at what times everyday. I'll post a link to that later. I also made a list for myself, including bedtime and wake up time, exercise and daily chores (also post later). I'm apparently a child at heart and need a set bed time too, otherwise, according to my husband "You get grouchy". I made good choice/bad choice jars, which have been working out great and I totally recommend to any parent with young kids who are having trouble making good choices. (See my post titled Good Choice/Bad choice jars-coming soon).
It's been two weeks since "the incident". Last Sunday Zeke was much better, although he struggled toward the end. Its a three-hour event going to church, so I don't blame him too much. I am sticking to my guns, no matter how pitiful those beautiful brown eyes look when he looks at me. I have to keep reminding myself, that its for his own good. Even when he gets made and screams "You ugly Momma!" For the sake of my own sanity, I need this. I need my lists, and my schedules, and meal plans, and all that other annoying keep-on-track stuff. The truth is, with out it, I'd lose my mind.
It's only been 2 weeks, but I see changes. I'm making changes. Not just with setting a routine with my boys, but healthy, livestyle changes as well. I hope through this blog, I can stay on track. Look back and see my progress and share what I have learned that works or doesn't work for our family. I must go now, I have a crying baby to attend to in the living room.
Until next time.
I was recently moved from teaching CTR4/CTR5 to teaching Sunbeams; sweet little 3 year olds, just coming into primary with the big kids. How fun! Expect my oldest boy, Zeke, he is a Sunbeam this year too. It's hard to believe that time has gone by so quickly!! My sweet little baby is now begging to go to preschool and ride a school bus. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, as I sat in the front row with my own son and two other young children, I had an eye opening experience.
Ezekiel, my pride and joy was an absolute terror! He rolled around all over the floor crying because I wouldn't let him eat crackers, get a drink of water, or because we weren't singing to song he wanted. He was running around the primary room while I struggled to regain control of the situation. I didn't. We came home and he was forced to take a nap for making bad choices.
As I sat in my recliner, trying to calm my nerves after all was said and done, I realized Zeke and I needed more structure. He has gotten away with too much for too long. While I was pregnant with Zach, I was huge, in school full-time, diabetic, and exhausted. I was too tired to properly discpline my toddler. And now it was coming back to get me.
So I did what I do best. I made lists. I made Zeke a picture schedule, showing him what he is allowed to do at what times everyday. I'll post a link to that later. I also made a list for myself, including bedtime and wake up time, exercise and daily chores (also post later). I'm apparently a child at heart and need a set bed time too, otherwise, according to my husband "You get grouchy". I made good choice/bad choice jars, which have been working out great and I totally recommend to any parent with young kids who are having trouble making good choices. (See my post titled Good Choice/Bad choice jars-coming soon).
It's been two weeks since "the incident". Last Sunday Zeke was much better, although he struggled toward the end. Its a three-hour event going to church, so I don't blame him too much. I am sticking to my guns, no matter how pitiful those beautiful brown eyes look when he looks at me. I have to keep reminding myself, that its for his own good. Even when he gets made and screams "You ugly Momma!" For the sake of my own sanity, I need this. I need my lists, and my schedules, and meal plans, and all that other annoying keep-on-track stuff. The truth is, with out it, I'd lose my mind.
It's only been 2 weeks, but I see changes. I'm making changes. Not just with setting a routine with my boys, but healthy, livestyle changes as well. I hope through this blog, I can stay on track. Look back and see my progress and share what I have learned that works or doesn't work for our family. I must go now, I have a crying baby to attend to in the living room.
Until next time.
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